OMG, the Drama Triangle!!

When most people think about veteran suicide, they think about PTSD, depression, or lack of resources. Those things matter. But there is another layer we do not talk about enough. How veterans relate to each other when things get hard. At Irreverent Warriors, we train our leaders to recognize a simple but powerful pattern called the Drama Triangle, and more importantly, how to break out of it. Because sometimes, the difference between connection and isolation is not what is happening... It's how we show up.

The Trap: The Drama Triangle

In our leadership training, we introduce three roles that people unconsciously fall into.

• The Victim believes nothing works and nothing changes.

• The Attacker places blame and shuts others down.

• The Hero tries to fix everything for everyone.

As shown in our training material, each role carries predictable behaviors. The Attacker becomes aggressive and judgmental... "I'll show you!" The Victim feels helpless and overwhelmed... "everyone is out to get me." The Hero overextends and takes responsibility that is not theirs... "instead of focusing on my own issues, I'm going to put on a superhero cape."

Here is the problem... None of these roles actually help someone who is struggling. They keep people stuck.

Why This Matters for Veterans

Veterans are wired for action, loyalty, and taking care of each other. That is a strength, but it can also create blind spots. We try to offer advice instead of listening. We shame people into action because we think we are making them stronger. Or we fall into our own sense of helplessness and isolation.

Without realizing it, we cycle through these roles.

Enter Dr. Joiner: What Actually Drives Suicide

Dr. Thomas Joiner at Florida State University has helped IW identify three key drivers behind suicidal behavior...

• Thwarted belongingness, which is the feeling of being disconnected or alone.

• Perceived burdensomeness, which is the belief that you are a liability to others.

• Acquired capability, which is the ability to overcome fear of pain and death.

  
  

When you look at the Drama Triangle through this lens, it becomes clear.

The Victim role reinforces the feeling of being a burden.

The Attacker role increases disconnection.

The Hero role, even with good intentions, can reinforce both by taking away someone’s sense of agency.

The result is a pattern of interaction that feeds the exact conditions that increase suicide risk.

The Shift: The Empowerment Triangle

That is why we do not just teach what to avoid. We teach what to replace it with.

In our training, we introduce the Empowerment Triangle.

• The Victim becomes the Creator, someone who recognizes they still have options and can take action.

• The Hero becomes the Coach, someone who supports without taking over.

• The Attacker becomes the Challenger, someone who speaks truth in a constructive and respectful way.

As shown in the training material, this shift is grounded in self awareness, listening, problem solving, and curiosity.

This is where real change happens.

What This Looks Like on the Ground

This is not theory for us. This shows up on hikes, in conversations, and in moments of real tension, disagreement, blame, and broken trust.

A veteran opens up and someone listens instead of trying to fix. A hard truth is spoken without judgment or shame. Someone who feels stuck is reminded they still have agency. Someone who made a mistake takes ownership and sees the learning opportunity, creating a new path.

This is how the downward spiral gets interrupted.

Why This Matters

You do not prevent suicide with slogans. You prevent it through connection that actually works. By training IW volunteer leaders to step out of these unhealthy patterns and into empowerment, we are doing something deeper than raising awareness. We are changing how veterans show up for each other. We are improving emotional intelligence. And when that changes, outcomes change.

The Bigger Picture

Every time a veteran feels seen instead of judged, supported instead of rescued, and challenged without being torn down, something shifts. Belonging is restored. Burdensomeness is reduced. Connection becomes real and durable. These are not abstract ideas.

Understanding the Drama Triangle saves lives.

¹ Joiner, T. (2005). Why People Die by Suicide. Harvard University Press.For a foundational explanation of the Interpersonal Theory of Suicide, see Dr. Thomas Joiner’s work. A useful overview is also available here: https://psychology.fsu.edu/faculty/joiner.lab/theoretical-overview

² Karpman, S. B. (1968). Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin.This paper introduces the Karpman Drama Triangle. A concise summary and practical breakdown can be found here: https://www.karpmandramatriangle.com