Drama at IW... What Comes Next Matters Most

Did you create some drama within Irreverent Warriors that you regret? Welcome to the club.

If you have been around long enough, it is not a matter of if, but when. This is what happens when you bring together passionate people who care deeply, who have strong personalities, and who are often carrying more than they let on. Conflict is not the exception here. It is part of the environment.

What actually matters is not the mistake.

It is the decision you make next.

The Fork in the Road

When something goes sideways, there are really two paths you can take.

1. The first is victimhood. This is where you blame other people, shut down, or refuse to take accountability. It can look like defensiveness, justification, or creating a narrative where you were misunderstood or targeted. It may even feel justified in the moment.

2. The second is accountability. This is where you take an honest look at your role, acknowledge where you were wrong, and make amends. It requires humility. It requires curiosity. It requires discomfort. It requires you to see the situation clearly, extract the lesson, and then make a conscious decision to move forward in a new way.

   
   

One path keeps you stuck.

The other moves you forward.

The Drama Triangle

There is a simple concept we use in leadership training that helps explain why conflict can spiral so quickly. It is called the Drama Triangle.

At its core, it describes three roles people tend to fall into during conflict:

• The Victim feels wronged, overwhelmed, or powerless.

• The Attacker places blame, criticizes, or comes in aggressively.

• The Hero tries to fix everything and take control of the situation.

  
  

Most people do not stay in just one role. They rotate between them depending on the situation. Someone might feel like a victim one moment, then become the attacker the next, or step in as the hero trying to clean everything up.

The problem is that all three roles keep the situation stuck. They create more tension, more misunderstanding, and more distance between people.

If you have found yourself in drama at Irreverent Warriors, there is a good chance you have been somewhere inside that triangle.

The Reality of Growth

Personally, I fail every day.

That is not an exaggeration. It is the only way I have learned anything meaningful in my life. As a father, husband, son, soccer coach, Marine, and nonprofit servant-leader, my growth has come almost entirely through failure.

There was a time when getting called out would trigger something immediate in me. I would make excuses, shift blame, or convince myself there was some kind of unfairness or even a conspiracy against me. On the surface, it looked like I was defending myself.

In reality, I was moving through those same roles. I would feel like the victim, then turn into the attacker, or try to control the situation in my own version of being the hero.

What was actually happening was something deeper.

I had betrayed my own values, and I could not face it.

In my mind, admitting fault meant I was a bad person. I held a simplistic belief that only bad or evil people did the things I was being accused of. Since I could not see myself that way, I rejected the feedback entirely.

That mindset kept me stuck in a downward spiral for a long time. I kept "doubling-down" on bad decisions. I spiraled so hard it led to suicidal ideation. I was stuck in a dark labyrinth of logic in my mind. A self-made mental prison.

Reframing What It Means to Be Wrong

The truth is much simpler and much harder to accept.

All humans make mistakes.

If you set the bar of perfection so high that you cannot admit when you are wrong, you are not holding yourself to a higher standard. You are avoiding growth.

At Irreverent Warriors, people make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes create real friction and real consequences. Sometimes that means stepping back for a period of time.

That is not failure.

That is an opportunity.

It is a chance to step out of that cycle, take ownership, and move forward with more awareness. It is a chance to come back as a better leader, a better teammate, and a better friend. It is also a chance to gain the kind of perspective that allows you to help others when they inevitably face the same situation.

From Personal Struggle to Purpose

Some of the most important lessons I have learned came from the lowest points in my life.

Struggles with suicide, getting fired, alcoholism, lying, cheating, and more forced me to confront who I was and who I wanted to become. The turning point was not external. It was internal.

I had to forgive myself.

I had to forgive others.

I had to learn how to genuinely love myself and extend that same understanding to others.

That process did not make me perfect, but it did make me capable of something I could not do before.

It allowed me to sit with someone else in their darkest moments without judgment, without needing to fix them, and without turning away. And then at once... all my suffering made complete sense.

Why This Matters in the Veteran Community

Within the veteran community, the stakes are higher.

Many of us are already carrying guilt, shame, anger, and a sense of disconnection. When conflict happens inside a community that is supposed to feel safe, it can reinforce those feelings if it is not handled well.

This is where stepping out of the Drama Triangle becomes more than a communication tool, it becomes a form of service.

When you choose accountability instead of blame, you create trust. You show others that it is safe to be human, to make mistakes, and to come back from them. You reduce isolation instead of reinforcing it.

That matters, especially for those struggling with suicidal ideation. People who feel like a burden or feel disconnected are already on fragile ground. The way we handle conflict can either push them further away or pull them back in.

The Opportunity in Front of You

If you have created drama, you are not alone.

You are standing at a moment that has real weight.

You can stay inside that cycle, protecting your ego and repeating the same patterns.

Or you can step out of it, take ownership, and move forward in a different direction.

More than that, you can become the kind of person who helps others do the same.

Someone who understands struggle not from theory, but from experience. Someone who can sit across from another veteran in a tough moment and say, with complete honesty, that they have been there too.

That kind of leadership cannot be taught in a classroom.

It is earned the hard way.

The Choice Is Yours

There is no perfect path. There is no version of this where you never mess up again.

There is only the choice in front of you right now.

What are you going to do with it?